JACK & JILL: HAPPILY NEVER AFTER
a play by JONATHAN TAD KETCHEN (JTK.CA)
Copyright © 1995, 1999, 2004 Jonathan Tad Ketchen (JTK.CA)
CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that JACK & JILL: HAPPILY NEVER AFTER is subject to royalty. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, and of all countries covered by the International Copyright Union (including Canada and the rest of the British Commonwealth), and of all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention and the Universal Copyright Convention, and of all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights, including professional, amateur, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound taping, all other forms of mechanical or electronic reproduction, such as information storage and retrieval systems, and photocopying, or any other form of reproduction, and the rights of translation into foreign languages, are strictly reserved.
No performance of the play may be given without obtaining the prior written permission of the author. For information, please write or call:
JONATHAN TAD KETCHEN Creative Adventures (JTK.CA)
TadCreations.com = NudeCreations.com = JTK.CA = NudistPoet.com
Artist, Poet, Photographer, Nude Model, Playwright, Singer/Songwriter, & Nudist Christian
Guelph, Ontario, Canada
"Jack & Jill: Happily Never After" is dedicated to:
Dr. Susan Russell,
my stellar stagewriting/screenwriting prof.
My cousin, Cheryl MacMillan,
for having the astuteness to love the original
thumbnail version of this play called
"Jack & Jill: A Hit Man and a Hit Woman Meet for Dessert."
My mom, Evelyn M. Ketchen,
for her devious suggestion which
made this play even better.
Ages are from Act 1.
JACK: 47; husband of Jill; father of Mary; becomes father of Evan during the play.
JILL: 39; wife of Jack; mother of Mary; becomes mother of Evan during the play.
BRANDY CARMICHAEL: 39; wife of Jeff Carmichael.
JEFF CARMICHAEL: 40; husband of Brandy Carmichael.
DAVID TALCOTT: 45.
EVAN: Jack & Jill's son, appearing only at the end of Act 2, who is 2-years, 3-months old at that time.
JACK & JILL: HAPPILY NEVER AFTER
(Friday night, 7:50 p.m.)
(Jack is sitting naked at his dining room table, which is downstage right. It is placed lengthwise along the fourth wall. He is at the stage left end of the table, and there are three chairs along the upstage side of the table and one chair at the end opposite Jack. There is a series of coat hooks along the upstage end of the stage right wall. In the middle of the stage right wall is an empty doorway to the rest of the apartment. The entry/exit door to his apartment is in the stage right side of the upstage wall, and a sofa is along the stage left side of the upstage wall, meeting another sofa at a 90 degree angle, placed along the stage left wall which ends before it reaches the fourth wall. Where the stage left wall ends is the entrance to the kitchen. The kitchen is hidden from the audience by a hallway which ends abruptly at the downstage left corner of the stage. A phone hangs on the stage right end of the hallway wall.)
(Jack hears a knock at the door.)
JACK: Come in. (Jill enters.)
JILL: (With an exasperated look on her face...) What is it with you?
JILL: (Jill storms across the room, and Jack ducks, as she straightens an implied picture above his head, on the fourth wall.) Can't you ever keep this picture straight?
JACK: You're such a perfectionist.
JILL: (Headed over to the coat hooks, where she removes her
coat...) Put some clothes on. The others are coming over for the poetry reading. Anyway, the pictures have to be straight. You want the place to look nice, don't you?
JACK: Jill, I'm a guy.
JILL: Well, Jack, I'm a girl, and it's a girl's job to keep the guy in line.
JACK: O.K. You're fired.
JILL: You can't fire me. I'm your wife.
JACK: Oh, that's right. That explains why you don't live here.
JILL: You know I love you. I just need a place of my own, where I can retreat and have some solitude. I come over every day and spend time with you, and there's nothing wrong with our sex life.
JACK: Then why do I wake up every morning to breakfast alone?
JILL: Because, you're so good in bed. You just wear me out, and I have to go home to get some sleep.
JACK: But this is home. You know, where your husband lives, where we raised our daughter. What was it? What sent you packing?
JILL: I don't know. I guess it was when Mary left for Cape Breton after high school, I got confused...me, here in Breckonridge, and her off in Baddeck. The apartment became so lonely. With you out all day, and her grown up and gone, I didn't have anyone to take care of anymore, and I was so bored I could kill. (A knock at the door.) We'll finish this later.
JACK: We don't need to. We've said it all before.
JILL: (Jill snaps her fingers in Jack's face). Jack, they're here! (In a loud voice, toward the door...) Just a minute!
(Jack comes to his senses, and runs out the stage right door, quickly returning wearing a bath robe.)
(In a louder voice, toward the door...) Come in! (Brandy & Jeff Carmichael enter).
BRANDY: Hi, Jack & Jill.
JILL: Look, Jack, it's Brandy and Jeff Carmichael!
BRANDY: (Looking at Jack) Surprised to see us?
JILL: For the poetry reading, yes. Usually it's just David Talcott, Jack, and me.
JILL: His 8th grade grammar teacher was too good. Come on in. (Jill takes their coats, hanging them on the coat hooks.) Have a seat. (Jill gestures toward the sofas.)
JACK: Bring any poetry? (Brandy shows him the huge, binder-full she's carried in.) I guess that's a yes.
JACK: I'm looking forward to hearing some.
JILL: What made you finally decide to come?
BRANDY: I didn't want to come without Jeff, and I've been trying to get him here for eons.
JACK: What made you change your mind, Jeff? She finally agree to stop forcing you to watch "Star Trek: The Next Generation" with her?
JEFF: Yes. I've seen every episode with her, at least 3 times. She still refuses to believe "All Good Things..." was the final episode.
JACK: Of course, they'll probably do another 15 movies with the cast and then finally kill off Picard. But it won't be from a bridge falling on him, like Kirk. He'll just be so old, after 15 movies, that he'll die of natural causes, Romulan flu, or something like that.
JEFF: You said it!
BRANDY: Guys, stop dissing Picard. I hope he does 30 movies, just to show you guys.
JEFF: Then his character wouldn't die until the writers keel over! (Jack and Jeff laugh violently. Everyone is on the couches by this point.)
JILL: Come on fellas. Give Brandy a break.
BRANDY: Thanks, Jill.
JACK: Where's David? He's never late.
JILL: He called me at home...
JACK: At home?
JILL: Let's not get into that again.
JILL: He called to say he was having car trouble and couldn't make it.
JACK: That's a first. He hasn't been late or missed a meeting since we started this five years ago.
JILL: I can see the headline: Mr. Dependability Conquered by Automotive Technology.
JACK: So, Brandy, let's hear a sample of your artistry. You don't write, do you, Jeff?
JEFF: I proposed with a poem I wrote, but that's about it.
JACK: Well, after Brandy, I've gotta hear that.
JEFF: Oh, no.
BRANDY: Oh, yes, Jeff. It won my heart, so it belongs to me. You will recite it now. Mine can wait.
JEFF: Alright, but only for you.
JILL: You have it memorized?
JEFF: It was a very special moment.
JILL: Oh, that's so romantic, isn't it Jack?
JACK: Excuse us for a minute. (He takes Jill by the hand and leads her to the hall and they both speak in lowered voices.) Move back in, and then you can talk to me about romance.
JILL: I'm sorry, Jack.
JACK: Alright. I just hope Jeff's proposal poem knocks some sense into you. It worked before; it can work again. (They head back to the couches. As Jack & Jill sit back down, Brandy & Jeff look curiously at them.)
BRANDY & JEFF: (Simultaneously) Everything O.K.?
JILL: (Simultaneously with Jack) Yes.
JACK: (Simultaneously with Jill) No.
BRANDY: What is it, Jack? Maybe we can help.
JACK: Nothing. Jill's right. Everything's perfect. Jeff, why don't you recite your proposal poem now?
JEFF: O.K. It's called, "Forever Now."
You swim through the ocean of my heart,
And I wonder where my lips should start--
An ode to your beauty or song of desire?
Nothing but you can inspire
This poemless poet to find the words
That come so naturally to the birds,
Who every morning sing your name
And teach me how to do the same.
So come with me
And we shall sing
And learn of joy
And open wings of love.
I ask you now, my precious one,
Teach me how to fly.
(Jeff & Brandy look lovingly at one another. Jill begins to cry, and embraces and passionately kisses Jack. The lights fade, as the kiss continues.)
(The next morning)
(Jack & Jill are both naked, at opposite ends of the table, eating pancakes; Jack, at the stage left end, and Jill at the stage right end.)
JACK: So, we're eating breakfast together. This is a good sign. By the way, you were fabulous last night!
JILL: Thanks, so were you.
JACK: I'll have to thank Jeff.
JILL: Oh, I forgot to tell you, Mary called.
JACK: Really. That's great. Actually, unheard of.
JILL: No, she calls me once a week, like clockwork.
JACK: That's right. She's got two phone numbers to remember now.
JILL: Anyway, she said she's...
JACK: Wait a minute! Once a week, like clockwork? I guess I'd better get my watch fixed, 'cause I can't remember the last time she called me.
JILL: That's because, the extent of your end of a conversation with her is, "Hi," and, "Bye."
JACK: My end? That's her end.
JILL: Would you like to hear her news or not?
JILL: Let's not bring business into this.
JACK: Very funny. Come on, what's the news.
JILL: She's got a boyfriend.
JACK: Oh, great! (Sarcastically)
JILL: His name is Alex Halsey.
JACK: Halsey! That's impossible!
JILL: Yes, she told me his uncle is an investment broker in Breckonridge.
JACK: The one whose wife David Talcott's sleeping with.
JILL: One and the same. Of course, Mary has no idea we know Martin Halsey. Such a weird coincidence, especially, when she's fourteen hundred miles away.
JACK: She find a job yet?
JILL: Yes. She's working at the Alexander Graham Bell Museum.
JACK: Well, now she definitely has no excuse not to call me. (The phone rings.) Excuse me. (Jack goes over to the hall entrance to answer the phone.)
JACK: Hit Men For Hire. May I help you?
JILL: You should never answer the phone like that. (Jack smiles.) What if it were about our taxes? (Jack signals Jill to be quiet.) You don't want them to know what we really do for a living, do you?
JACK: Hi, Honey! I guess Mr. Bell gave you one of his phones.
JILL: It's Mary?
JACK: Yes, Mom. It's Mary.
JILL: That's great! What timing.
JACK: (To Mary) Yes, she just told me. We were just talking about it when you rang. (Pause for Mary) Hit Men For Hire? Oh, just a little joke, Honey. So you just had to find a boyfriend named Alexander, considering where you work now? (Pause for Mary) I thought so. (Pause for Mary) Yep. Mom's given me the update. (Pause for Mary) Alright, bye. I love you too. (Jack hangs up.)
JILL: Wow, that's the longest you've ever talked to her on the phone!
JACK: Shut up and eat your pancakes.
JILL: Good save.
JILL: Hit Men For Hire? Oh, just a little joke, Honey.
JACK: You're right. I've got to be more careful.
JILL: You'll never believe who hired me.
JACK: The pope?
JACK: Reverend McCallister?
JILL: No. He's waiting for Divine intervention in the case of his mother.
JACK: I could be Divine intervention.
JILL: Blasphemy, Jack. You don't want to go to Hell, do you?
(They both laugh)
JACK: Brandy? Yeah, likely story.
JILL: Oooh! You're so close, I can taste it! Oh, no. I can't.
JILL: Tell you.
JACK: After all the suspense...! You just walk out on me in all different ways, don't you?
JILL: Alright! My place is calling. I've got laundry to do.
JACK: Dirty laundry, you mean.
JILL: That too. He wants me to do it tonight.
JILL: He, she, whatever! (frustrated that she gave him a clue)
JACK: Have fun. You always did enjoy this more than me. You've even killed my desire to know who it is.
JILL: I'm sorry, Jack. It's...
JACK: No! Don't tell me. I don't want to know. Remember, secrecy's important in our profession. The less people know--that's our protection.
JILL: Bye, Jack. See you tomorrow. (A pause) I love you.
JACK: I love you too. Good luck. Don't get caught.
JILL: Have I ever?
JILL: Not enough evidence. Remember?
JACK: Oh, yeah.
JILL: Bye. (Jill exits and shuts the door before Jack has a chance to respond.)
JACK: (Facing the closed door) Bye. (The lights fade out.)
JILL: (The lights fade back in. The door opens again, and naked Jill backs in, while saying...) Sorry, Reverend McCallister! (She shuts the door and walks toward Jack as the lights do a final fade to black).
(the following Friday, 8:00 p.m.)
(Brandy, Jeff, and Jack are seated on the sofas. David Talcott and Jill are speaking privately in lowered voices, in the hallway.)
JILL: I'm sorry about your grandmother, David. I didn't get the message in time.
DAVID: You killed her?
JILL: Yes, I'm sorry.
DAVID: Oh, man. I can't get anything right.
JILL: That should sound good in the confession booth.
DAVID: You know I'm not Catholic.
JILL: (Shaking her head back and forth) David, David. Why did you wait till the last minute? You had a week to change your mind. Instead, you leave a message the day of the hit? And hope that I'll be home to hear it in time? Come on.
DAVID: I've been trying to get you all week to find out what happened. I never got an answer.
JILL: I've been here with Jack all week. (An aside...) I think things are getting better with us. (Back to the point...) You should have tried calling here. Didn't you even go to her house to see if she was O.K.? Or did part of you still want her dead?
DAVID: No, I never really wanted her dead. I was just mad at her when I found out she'd only left me a measly hundred thousand dollars in her new will. She left my brother Stanley a million!
JILL: Keep your voice down. Do you want Brandy and Jeff to know you hired me to kill your grandmother? Brandy writes a lot of pro-life poetry. How do you think she'd react to this?
DAVID: My grandmother. I can't believe you actually killed her. What was I thinking when I asked you? I could've gotten her to give me more. All I had to do was ask.
JILL: Well, I'm glad to see you're getting your priorities straight. But I'm sorry, David. You just need to change your mind sooner next time.
DAVID: Don't be sorry. It's not your fault. My whole life, I've always seemed to change my mind too late. I'm just a screw up. I can't read tonight. I'll just listen. (Jill and David join the others on the couches.)
JACK: What's wrong, David? You look like you've seen a ghost.
JILL: His grandmother died on Saturday. (Jack looks at Jill, realizing that's who her hit was on.) She had an unexpected heart attack.
BRANDY: David, I'm so sorry.
JACK: My condolences.
DAVID: Thank you.
JACK: David, this is Brandy Carmichael, and her husband, Jeff.
DAVID: Pleased to meet you.
JEFF: I wish it were under better circumstances. My prayers are with you.
DAVID: Thanks, Jeff.
JILL: Maybe we should cancel tonight's meeting, considering....
DAVID: No. Life goes on.
JILL: You're sure?
DAVID: Yes. I'll be alright.
BRANDY: I admire your courage. (David nods in acknowledgement.) A lot of my poems deal with...um...well...
BRANDY: Yes. David, would you prefer I select some cheerier ones?
DAVID: I write a lot of dark verse too. It's alright. The last thing I need right now is to be pitied. Please, don't walk on pins and needles around me.
BRANDY: I'm a rather sympathetic person. So, I'll be careful.
DAVID: Why do you write death poetry?
BRANDY: Actually, most of it's anti-death poetry, at least, when it comes to the illicit forms of death, like murder; and abortion, infanticide, and euthanasia, which are legal forms of murder, or in danger of becoming legal. Mercy killing--there's an oxymoron, if I've ever heard one!
DAVID: I'm sorry. (Crying) I have to go.
BRANDY: Did I go too far?
DAVID: I'm sorry. (David exits.)
JILL: (Running toward the door as it slams.) David! (A pause) Sorry, guys. Maybe tonight's not a good time.
BRANDY: (Crying) I've ruined your evening.
JEFF: Stop it, Brandy. You're always too hard on yourself. (To Jill, in a lowered voice) I think we'd better go. (Jeff gets Brandy up, and with his arm around her shoulder, they walk toward the door. Jeff, turns his head back toward Jack.) Good-bye, Jack.
JACK: Bye you two. (Jeff & Brandy, who is still crying, exit. Jack shuts the door, turns around to glare at Jill who is now at her stage right seat at the table.) Nice job. (She looks at him looking at her, and then she turns her head toward the audience. The lights fade.)
(3 days later, Monday at 4 p.m.)
(Jack & Jill are sitting at their usual places at the table. This time, they're both dressed. A knock at the door. Jack is cleaning one of his guns.)
JILL: (Toward the door) Just a minute! (She motions to Jack. He then exits with the gun through the stage right door, and comes back out onto stage without the gun.) Jack, could you find an errand to run or something? I believe I have business with my guest.
JACK: No problem. There's a special on at the knife shop. Think I'll check it out.
JILL: Thanks. (Jack exits the apartment, passing David who remains standing politely in the doorway, waiting to be asked in.) Come in, David. (He enters. Jill shuts the door behind him. Then she grabs David and slams him up against the wall, and continues to hold him there.) I want my money!
DAVID: But I called off the hit on Grandma.
JILL: I can't help it if you're a last minute coward! You were too late.... Face it, and pay up! I'm the Grim Reaper, and I can take you down too! (David escapes her clutches and darts out the door. The lights go to sudden black.)
(3 years later)
(Jack and Jill are both dressed.)
JACK: I'm tired of playing the happy couple. I know we tried three years ago, but it only lasted nine months, just long enough for you to plunk a baby down in my lap and walk out on me again.
JILL: And I appreciate it. You've done a great job with Evan.
JACK: Appreciate it. It wasn't a favour, Jill. You exited the stage, and what could I do. I don't advocate killing kids.
JILL: Unless they're in the womb.
JACK: Well, you had your choice, and I wasn't about to kill my wife.
JILL: Keep your voice down. What if Evan heard you?
JACK: Suddenly you care about him.
JILL: Of course, I do!
JACK: Oh, that's why you deserted him.
JILL: I see him everyday. (A knocking at the door begins.)
JACK: Yeah, you see me everyday, too. "Hey guys, sorry, I can't come over. My wife's coming to visit me." Visit me? I thought the idea of marriage was that we live together. Did I miss something?
JILL: Yeah, Brandy & Jeff are at the door.
JACK: (As Jill gets up and goes to the door) Happy couple, living together. Do you really think we're fooling them? We're a mess! (Jill opens the door. Brandy and Jeff enter.)
BRANDY: What did Jack say?
JILL: He said, "The place is a mess."
BRANDY: (in a confused tone) But the place looks very nice.
JACK: Oh, good save, Jill. Hey Brandy, any poems to help us out?
BRANDY: Help you out? How?
JACK: Jill and I were just discussing the state of our marriage and its virtual non-existence.
JILL: Jack, shut up!
JACK: No, not anymore. I'm not playing the game anymore. These are our friends. Friends, you know what that means, Jill? I'm not lying to them anymore by pretending everything's fine.
JILL: He's just had too much to drink.
BRANDY: Jill, he doesn't seem drunk to me.
JACK: Oh, Jill, why don't you just give your brilliance a rest? We're transparent now. No more deceptions! Jill doesn't live here. She just comes over to visit her husband and son every day. She's got her own cozy apartment.
JILL: Jack, no!
JACK: And you think we're accountants. Well, that's been a lie too. We're really...(Jill begins crying loudly.)
BRANDY: Jack, stop it! You're making your wife cry. Maybe you are drunk, after all.
JILL: I keep telling him to stop. It makes him crazy. I want to take Evan. I'm afraid he's going to hurt him like he's done to me.
JACK: What the Hell are you talking about? I've never drunk in my life! And how, pray tell, have I hurt you? Evan stays here. You're the one who deserted him! And you can take him over my cold, stiff, dead body!
JILL: That can be arranged! (Brandy looks at Jill in astonishment. After a few seconds of Brandy's stare, the lights go to sudden black.)
(1 week later)
(Jack is dressed. Seated at the stage left end of the table, drinking from a bottle of vodka, Jack hears a knock at the entry/exit door. He runs with the bottle out the stage right door to hide it, and dashes back to his seat at the stage left end of the table.)
JACK: (Out of breath) Come in. (Jill enters with a stack of murder mystery novels and makes her way to the table, onto which she scatters the books, and sits across from Jack.)
JILL: Hi, Jack! Killed any good books lately?
JACK: No, Jill. A few fine, upstanding citizens, but no books.
JILL: Lucky you! I've been reading murder mystery after murder mystery for inspiration, but I haven't done a hit in months! (Oblivious to Jack's panting)
JACK: There, there. Let me cheer you up. (He goes to the kitchen, where he catches his breath, and returns with two sundaes.) My specialty, the Butterscotch Butcher sundae.
JILL: (With mouth watering) You know the way to a woman's heart! (She immediately digs in.)
JACK: If only....
JACK: (Eating his sundae, as well) Nothing. You've had slumps in business before, but you always come out on top.
JILL: Thanks, I guess you're right. Anyway, the slumps give me time to think up brilliant plots.
JACK: You had quite a long slump after you killed David's grandma, three years ago.
JILL: I was pregnant, dummy!
JACK: What did you do to stay sane?
JILL: I did a lot of my reading...(She points to the novels.)...but after nine months of no adventure, I decided to practice.
JACK: How do you mean?
JILL: Do you remember the murder of Martin Halsey?
JACK: Gee, let's see...uh...the investment broker? Um...Oh, yeah? Our daughter married his nephew last year. Duh. Of course, I remember the murder of Martin Halsey!...(a pause)...Now, you're telling me you killed him and framed our friend David for the murder?
JACK: Jill! (a pause) Who's next? Brandy? Jeff? Me? If you "think" I'll ever take a fall for you, you've got another "think" coming!
JILL: Gee, I must have accidentally put something in your Corn Flakes. Temper, temper.
JACK: Corn Flakes? You haven't been here for breakfast in two years, three months. Remember, you refused to have an abortion, no matter how much I pleaded with you. I didn't want another kid. It just complicates things when you're a hit man. Then Evan was born, and this treasure that you protected in your womb, suddenly got left in my lap, and you walked out on me again. Off to your little secluded apartment, where you could think, and be alone, and figure your screwed-up self out! And a week ago you said you want Evan back? Well, forget it! You deserted him. I've taken care of him all his life! He may call you "Mommy," but you're just a visitor, a daily transient in his life, in and out, turning your parenthood on and off like a light switch! I love him, he's mine, and you can't have him back, because you never had him in the first place!
JILL: You said yesterday, I could have him for a week!
JACK: And you believed me? Boy, have you got a lot to learn. (Jack pauses. Jill pauses, and then continues eating her sundae.) So, how did you pull it off? How did you betray our friend? (Jack continues eating his sundae.)
JILL: It wasn't betrayal. It was business.
JACK: Well, then, how did you conduct this "business"? (quoting the word with his fingers)
JILL: Remember when I bumped off Talcott's grandmother for him?
JACK: No. Darn it. I forgot that too.
JILL: He never paid me.
JACK: I wonder why. For goodness sake, he called off the hit, and you did it anyway!
JILL: I got the message too late.
JACK: Yeah, that's what you told him.
JILL: What, are you suggesting I lied to a client?
JACK: Hit woman lies to client. I know--unthinkable, isn't it? Of course you lied to him!
JILL: O.K. You got me. Satisfied?
JACK: I knew all along.
JACK: (Jack pulls Jill's sundae away from her.) Move back in, and I'll tell you.
JILL: (Jill pulls her sundae back and resumes eating.) Forget it. We tried that once. Remember what that reconciliation produced.
JACK: A pro-life hit-woman?
JILL: I know it's inconceivable, but when I felt Evan moving inside of me, all my pro-choice rhetoric just oozed out of me.
JACK: Yes, it oozed out to the outside of the womb. Face it Jill. You never became pro-life, you just switched victims in the choice equation. None of us are safe from you on this side of the womb.
JILL: No, it's different.
JACK: You just can't face the fact you're a cold-blooded killer. Why can't you just accept it, and live with it? I have.
JILL: This is just my job. It's a choice. It's my world, and I have a right to control who's in it. But my son, my own flesh and blood? You couldn't make me have him scraped out of my uterus. He'd die inside me. Out here, when I terminate someone, it's just a job, and I walk home.
JACK: You just can't see how screwed up you are, can you? You're a hypocrite! We both are. Why can't you just learn to live with it? I have. What's wrong with you?
JACK: Avoid, avoid, avoid.
JILL: Avoid what.
JACK: You're in denial. You need help, Jill.
JILL: Yeah, right. Anyway...(Jack shakes his head back and
forth.)...after nine months of no more jobs, I decided to get even with David for not paying up. I knew he was having an affair with Halsey's wife, Marilyn.
JACK: So did Halsey. I'm beginning to see your sinister plan.
JILL: Halsey and Talcott were always throwing murder threats back and forth at each other. And, like idiots, they'd often do it in public.
JACK: You saw a perfect opportunity to...
JILL: ...get a little practice in and get back at Talcott for stiffing me. (Still eating her sundae.)
JACK: I knew it.
JILL: It's that obvious?
JACK: Jill, your lust for that money David "doesn't" owe you will be your downfall.
JILL: He owed it to me. He backed out on his grandmother's fate. I just chose not to.
JACK: So you were his grandmother's fate? You were fate? You've got a rather high opinion of yourself. Boy, when the real fate strikes, won't you be surprised?
JILL: Jack, what are you talking about? Would you shut up and let me tell my story.
JACK: Yes, ma'am!
JILL: That night, I lured Talcott to the beach, down the embankment from his house, with a note from Mrs. Marilyn Halsey that I had forged. And I lured Mr. Martin Halsey to Talcott's house with a note from Talcott that I also forged.
So, with David at the beach, I broke into his house without breaking a thing. With gloves on, I took a custom-made gun from David Talcott's gun cabinet and waited. When Martin Halsey knocked on the door, I opened it, and before he knew what had happened, I pulled him in, swung him around, and pumped eleven slugs into him. Then I dropped the gun onto the floor, and after locking the door as it was locked when I had come, I left.
I drove down the block and called the police from a pay phone, saying I heard gunshots coming from 1100 Cedar Lane, which was Talcott's address.
When David arrived back from his futile jaunt to the beach, he was greeted by police.
He goes to the gas chamber on Tuesday.
(Jill has just finished 2/3 of her sundae. It is important that she does NOT finish the last 1/3 of the sundae.) Boy! This is a great sundae. You should start your own ice cream parlor! (Holding her stomach.)
JACK: How do you like the new ingredient?
JILL: What is it? Whatever it is, I love it!
JACK: An exotic, new poison I found. I like to practice too. According to what they said, it should be kicking in any second.
JILL: You sick, twisted son of a bitch!
JACK: I'm glad David was right in his suspicions. I'd hate for this all to have been a mistake.
JILL: (Gasping for breath and choking) He hired you?
JACK: Through his liaison to the outside. David wants to be greeted by you on Tuesday, when he enters Hell. Oh, by the way, Happy Twenty-fifth Anniversary, Dear. Or did you even remember?
JILL: (In her dying breath) You son of a bitch. (She falls to the floor, dead.)
JACK: (He checks to make sure Jill is dead.) Evan's not going anywhere. He's the only son I've got. (Jack turns his back, goes to the phone, dials, and waits about sixty seconds for an answer. While Jack's back is turned, Evan enters from the stage right door, and eats the rest of Jill's sundae.) It's done. (Jack hangs up the phone, turns around, and looks in horror as Evan finishes Jill's sundae.)
EVAN: Mmmm, Daddy. Yummy! (The lights go to sudden black.)